My Anxiety & Depression Story | It is okay not to be okay |
Most of you will know me as that positive young lady who is always smiling and laughing, but is that the real me? I lived with depression all my life due to the fact I hated having a disability and never accepted myself fully until the age of 23.
There is always a reason behind everything in life, the reason why I never accepted myself was because being bullied back in school made it even more harder for me but that was the past and now we are in the present.
Once I reached a certain age I have been getting a lot of anxious moments, I used to blame it on the Cerebral Palsy, telling people I have bad and good days but until I went to my GP and explained to him that I am developing these certain things. He then explained that I was having an anxiety attack or I have had anxious moments after something bad has happened or when I am stressed out. Back then, I did not know how to take care of myself because all this was new to me and I was living a life where I would put anyone first before myself, I never used to listen to the advice given to me but I am not going beat and blame myself, I need to give myself credit for everything although I was in denial and living in confusion.
I think being in the public was hard for me to take everything in, I had supporters but I also had enemies, people were constantly putting me down and telling me what I was doing was wrong basically being bullied on social media was hard for me to take in. I always thought I was being a great activist trying to aware people that everything is possible in my own way of teaching them but some people would message me telling that I should stop doing what I am doing and let the real people do it; making me worthless when I did not deserve it. Because of that, I started to question myself whether I was actually worth it or maybe I was not? i remember one morning, I received this Facebook messaged by someone absolutely tearing me down to the point of me rushing to the toilet at work to cry my eyes out but once I told people no one was there for me, all they suggested was for me to go see a therapist which I was already doing but it made no sense, instead of telling this person off, they gave me the advice to see a therapist?
I remember coming home in a sunny summer day all wanting to do was sleep because parts of me did not feel like engaging with anyone not even my family; I even had to cancel my plans with my friends because I was emotionally broken and thinking whether I was enough to be in this life? I obviously have attempted suicide before but I never felt it. This time I did and I took it far to the point of feeling it but I could not continue because something stopped me and I can never know what was stopping me from killing myself after feeling like that was the only option to rest in peace.
During that month I was completely numb, I could not eat, sleep or even work properly at work I was distracted in my own world of bad thoughts, you guessed it, I tried again but yet again, I could not finish it. Something was stopping me but at the time, I did not know what it was.
I have had many people from the outside world asking me why I stopped doing awareness because they believed I was doing an amazing job but no one knew I was getting bullied to the point of wanting to end my life. So I decided to start blogging again, which has been the best decision I ever made to date! I started creating a new platform in my blogs I started creating more awareness on Mental Health than disabilities because I think it is up to the people whether they want to see you as you or as your disability and my new mindset still remains with that attitude.
Wobblyblogger was on fire! I was always making myself busy so that I won't think of those thoughts again but there were days where those thoughts would come back but I told myself ''Manar, you are a strong person and life doesn't want to let you go yet!'' You know, I still got bullied and threatened on social media but I started to learn how to defend myself rather than falling in that black bubble again.
I think that social media is worse than being bullied in person because when you get bullied in person you can easily forget about it and move on but on social media it is there and you are taking it in despite if you remove the comment or message, your mind is still with that word or sentence.
On 2020, I wanted to started a fresh new year in my life, learning from every mistakes I have done from the past years. It was a new decade and it is never too late to start your journey from scratch. I am older, wiser and as not as vulnerable I used to be. My mindset has completely changed, I no longer have that fear of fighting back if life throws stones at me but I still remain kind despite what you have chosen to do to me in the past. In this world we live in nowadays, being kind is a MUST even though you might not like the person.
I think some of you might think I am being an utter hypocrite because I have decided to stop doing awareness in Gibraltar especially on my blogs but this is not necessarily about me getting attacked on social media about how I have done things but I have decided to step down because I have done a lot to prove that there is more abilities than disabilities- I have done a lot of things for people to understand it clearly and I really need to be looking after myself so stepping down locally has been another great decision for me but it was a difficult one because I enjoyed doing talks in schools etc but my health comes first;
As mentioned in the start, being in the public eye was hard especially in the lead up of my Med Steps Challenge; I had to be a certain way, act a certain way, I couldn't say what I really wanted to say and that was so much pressure, I NEVER deserved to be in that amount of pressure but that is what you are in the public eye, you will get judged good or bad, no one cares to outshine you.
As many of you know I am the new ambassador of disabilities in Morocco, I know my social media bullies will probably say I do not deserve it but if I wasn't made for the job, do you really think they would choose me? I am really grateful to have been chosen because I know Morocco needs more support and links on disabilities and what made me more happier is that although they don't have facilities they are still wanting to learn and change things which makes my work easier; I do not need to fight like I had to fight locally.
So like I said, something was stopping me from killing myself and that something was becoming the ambassador and many other opportunities coming my way!
The bravest thing I ever done was continue my life when I wanted to die and nobody really knows that
I know I will always live with my anxiety and I will always have those thoughts because life is not always bright, we all have our dark days but now I understand myself fully and people's cruel words and judgement mean nothing to me. In this world, you cannot please anyone so just please yourself!
This blog is dedicated to Caroline Flack and those who committee suicide in past years; you are truly missed! *
Being kind does not cost you anything! Let's be more kinder to each other in the present not until we find out that someone took their own lives over one bad critical comment.
Be sure to follow me on all my social for future updates!
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